James 1:2-3 - “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
If you know me at all, you know I’m a control freak. It is one of my least favorite things about myself. Due to my severe anxiety, it was always “my way, or the highway.” No matter how much faith I had in my Father, I seldom thought I could ever give up the reigns to my own life over to someone else. I always thought that if I had a certain amount of control over my life, if I did everything possible to succeed in every aspect of my life, everything will be ok. However, the Lord brought my first semester of college my way, wrecking me in ways I never deemed possible.
No one ever prepares you for how hard college is.
Don’t get me wrong, college has been so unbelievably fun. I have met some of the most amazing people. However, I think most freshman can agree with me that the first semester is lonely, hard, and sad at times. What makes it worse is that no one talks about this. I came to college scared out of my mind. Scared that I would not make a single friend. Scared that I’d be transferring after December. I found myself not even knowing why I was going to Alabama. People always ask you, “why did you choose this school?” And, at that point, I genuinely would have just looked at you and said “God,” and that was it.
I was wrecked beyond compare my first month at Alabama, by outside life events and my own mental health. I was beaten down, bruised, and never thought I would fully heal from what I was going through. However, this was when Jesus first showed new doors opening in the places where I least expected them. At a time where I was most broken, He brought me friendship that wiped every tear and never left me stranded in the dark. I was loved with such a sweet pursuit by girls I had not even known for a month (How does that happen?). I was also finding myself surrounded by other Christian girls who not only thought like me, but challenged me in my faith. If I am half the women they are one day, I will be truly thankful. These friendships are living representations of what I so desperately asked the Lord to bring me in college. Not only did he bring me such things, but with it came such beautiful chaos to my life.
Looking back at to August 5, 2020, I was nothing but a terrified girl driving ten hours away from everything she had ever known. It’s now December 3, and I can confidently say the Lord broke me down so that He can mold me in such a way that I may walk in light as a woman chasing solely after Him. I do not even recognize the girl who was absolutely clueless about what college would be like.
I lost every ounce of control over my life this semester, but I don’t ever want it back. It was never mine to have in the first place.
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