burnout

What you’re about to read below is a piece I worked on for a while and then lost the motivation to finish. It is a story that speaks to the overall theme of what I’m trying to get at by the end of this.

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I really haven’t written for myself in a long time.

It says a lot about how my life has looked these past few months. Though I have not written, the thoughts circling around my head are as loud as they have ever been, just begging to be dumped out onto a piece of paper or a computer screen. I’ve not felt like myself as of lately, being a college student trying to make it in the world and hold onto every memory I can.

I have always thought of myself as a good student, but most certainly not the smartest in the room. I was not in the top ten of my graduating class in high school. I was not the person people thought of first for help studying for a test. However, what I did not realize were the high expectations I had set upon myself dating all the way back to when I could even fathom what expectations were and how I could exceed them.

The other day – this past Thursday, to be exact – I failed my economics exam. I failed my economics exam on a day that I had 3 other exams and a project due. I looked at the grade I had received as soon as I submitted the test that I felt more than prepared for, and my heart sank when I had come to the conclusion that I just failed my first test ever.

I know what you’re thinking. I am a show off.

“Really? Please, go on, make the rest of us who fail tests feel dumb too. It really is not THAT big of a deal.”

But that’s the point. Backing up and thinking a bit less close-minded, people fail tests all of the time. They get back up and try harder at the next.

But that wasn’t an option for me, in the hours following the exam, my brain had already gone through the stages of crying (an embarrassing amount), pessimistic – “I’ll probably fail the class and end up with a horrible GPA” - kind of thinking, and then feeling wholeheartedly convicted by the weight of my sin in letting the world have that much control over who I am and what my grades say about me. Guilt. Shame.

It seems so small and minute, and honestly, it is, but it meant something so much bigger to me. It meant that, for once, I was not able to reach and exceed the expectations I had set upon myself.

To quote myself, “I am a failure. I am no good.”

My heart is still heavy at the fact that I would ever say that about something that God Himself declared good from the beginning of time. My heart is heavy that I let myself fall into thinking that goes completely against the kind of way I desire to live my life – slow and against the gravity of the world. However, sometimes it takes a great fall to realize you needed to walk a completely other direction in the first place. The life I feel so compelled to live is quiet, slow, and simple. It is the epitome of Psalm 23 – “He leads me beside quiet waters.” Life is so much more than any number. Life is bigger than any worldly circumstance. There is so much more out there for us. More than anything we could ever imagine here on Earth.

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I think Jesus is so interesting in the way He lived His life here on Earth. It truly is one thing to study His life, but it is another to model it and take on His practices as one’s own. If Jesus walked the Earth today, He would face judgement unlike no other. Society would criticize this carpenter for His practices that seemingly go against everything of what society tells us makes for a good life. My friend Jesus was – and still is – relational. Restful. Tranquil. Simple. All while still being God, the King of Kings who came to save the world of sin.

I fell away from so much when I lost sight of who my Jesus is and how He lived His life as a living, breathing, walking human. I magnified the things of this world to a point where they became my main sources of success and achievement. I lost sight of the restful. The tranquil. The simple. Life became chaotic and I barely had the sights to realize it, getting too caught up the test grades, the weekly Google Calendar view, the productivity and the efficiency. To no surprise, I crashed and burned not long after this. It looked a lot like over-sleeping, isolation, laziness, and lack of passion for the things I loved most about this life. To much disappointment, I lost my passion for the Gospel, my photography, my friendships, and intentional restfulness. I say this because I know I am not the only one who has been caught in this space. I became angry at myself for how I let myself slip to this point. The worst part was that I hated to talk about it because I couldn’t put words to the things I was feeling. I just knew I was stuck in a place of eyes not awakened to how much life and purpose the Lord had for me.

I’m not “fixed” from this. I’m not here to give you an ending that looks pretty or happy in the end. This is a daily struggle of mine that I want to be vulnerable about. I’m here to tell you your life won’t look pretty all of the time when pursuing a friendship with Jesus. In fact, sugar coating testimonies and creating false happy endings is the exact opposite of what we as Christians should be doing. Sin is ongoing. I doubt the Lord so much. My faith in what He can do decreases with every ounce I let sin and darkness seep into my life through lies and compromises both big and small. It’s how I found myself without passion and without motivation, even for the things I loved the most and wanted to do more than anything. For example, the exert above of what could have been something so beautifully written but was never finished.

I’m also here to tell you that my friend Jesus doesn’t let the story end there, and that’s where my hope and my joy comes from in the midst of such circumstances.

I have this picture that shows up in my head often. I thank Jesus for it. It looks like this: Him hanging on the cross, half alive, covered in blood, wounds, and bruises. There I am as well, looking right up at Him in shock and sorrow – because it was me that put Him on that cross. All while I stare at Him, His eyes peer back at me with a look that shows nothing but love for His child. I cannot explain well (but I will most certainly try my best). It is the pure nature of God in a nutshell. His eyes were full of love - nothing but unconditional love.

It reminds me of Romans 5:8. “But God demonstrates His love for us in this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

The Message puts it like this, “But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.”

Let me emphasize something.

“While we were STILL sinners.”

We. Were. Still. Sinners. And God still looked at us as His beloved sons and daughters. Individual people worth leaving the ninety-nine for. All while STILL giving into the very thing He came to set us free from once and for all. All while He was beaten, mocked and tortured, He still loved us in a way that we can’t even fully comprehend yet (and I long for the day I do).

So, while my life doesn’t look pretty, while I am still recovering from a semester of burnout, I have hope that the Lord still looks at me and sees beauty in the friendship He has cultivated between Him and His beloved daughter. I’m here to tell you this is true of you as well. Your sin is the very thing that qualifies you to receive the gift of His mercy. Your sin is the very reason my friend Jesus wants to walk with you every single day.

He LOVES you!